The end of the year approaches in a way that brings our relational lives into the center stage. Well-known patterns become noticeable, and many people find themselves preparing for gatherings that demand coordination between old stories and the environments we return to. And although the holidays are framed as joyful, the reality is that many relationships become more complicated during this time, especially now with the current sociopolitical climate influencing the way people speak, listen, and position themselves with one another.
It is common in moments like these to turn to familiar advice about how to communicate or how to get through tensions. People often come to therapy hoping to set clear boundaries, a practice that has become a familiar go-to strategy for managing relational strain. While setting boundaries can be useful and protective, they may also become a way of managing relationships rather than engaging in them. Especially when the main concern is to avoid discomfort rather than being an active actor in the relational process where meaning, tension, and possibility are negotiated.
None of this is to overlook the complexity that lives inside family relationships, particularly when they are experienced within a polarized social world. Strategies that promise relief can sound appealing, yet as a family therapist, I have seen how generalized advice often fails to meet the depth of pain people carry when long-standing patterns emerge once again. Still, rather than seeing end-of-the-year gatherings as problems to fix, I invite you to explore how these challenges might offer opportunities for a new kind of performance, one that opens possibilities rather than repeats familiar scripts. What would it be like to rethink an interaction by asking not only who I want to be, but who am I becoming in this particular relationship?
Engaging with this question might offer just the right amount of momentum to step out of the cycle of blame or frustration that accompanies many people during the end-of-the-year gatherings. If you find yourself dreading the holidays, whether it’s with work colleagues, family, or friends, where tensions often arise, join me in the following explorations:
Gather your values
Values are not abstract ideals; they are coordinates for action. Commitments such as kindness, honesty, patience, integrity, or accountability can shape how people move through conversations that might otherwise keep us responding out of habit instead of engaging with the moment. Values become the script you may choose to follow when the rest of the room is following a storyline you no longer want to contribute to. What would kindness, honesty, or patience have you do in this particular exchange?
Gather your knowledge
We are relational beings, and looking back allows us to gather the knowledge we have developed across our lives. These are abilities born from past negotiations, small acts of care, moments of courage, and times you might not have noticed you were already finding a way through. These qualities can be brought forward to support you in moments that feel demanding and also serve as a guide. In doing so, knowledge can support your efforts, traveling with you as a faithful companion of steadiness. What knowledges (e.g., discernment, tolerance, decentering, etc.) from your own history feel like they could travel with you into this next conversation?
Gather the moment
Every interaction is filled with information about how we relate to one another. Paying attention and observing dynamics closely can help us notice the invitations, constraints, and possibilities that influence how we participate in the unfolding of the moment. This kind of noticing becomes valuable in understanding that the present depends on coordination between people—it is a never-ending relational process. If relational coordination is a shared effort, what form did your contribution take in this particular moment?
Learnings that travel with us
There is always value in recognizing that even the most difficult moments can hold the possibility for new understandings. When rethinking end-of-the-year demands with intention rather than resignation, you may find yourself carrying forward learnings that may be supportive and offer different stances as you approach your life as an active participant in the stories you create. From these positions, it becomes possible to generate different responses to some of the contexts we are used to.
Ultimately, the hope is to gather the learnings that can stay in motion throughout the year, traveling beside you and supporting how you participate in the unfolding of life. In this way, you may find yourself meeting familiar situations with a renewed sense of possibilities. And remember, conversations are spaces where participation matters—these might just be the moments that are inviting you to take up a position that reflects your commitments to the person you are becoming.
Danna Abraham, PhD, LMFT, is an assistant professor at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University and is an AAMFT professional member holding the Approved Supervisor and Clinical Fellow designations. Her work focuses on community-based research and feminist approaches to critical engagement, with a particular focus on language and lived experiences. She is the director of the Research Initiative for Storytelling Engagement (RISE) Lab. Website: www.theriselab.com email: dr.danna.abraham@icloud.com
