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- Is This You? The Defiant Act of Affirmative Care
Is This You? The Defiant Act of Affirmative Care
By Gretchen Cooper, LMFT
The pushback from being direct isn’t always in threatening emails from strangers; sometimes it’s in the form of a text message from a mother on a Tuesday afternoon asking, “Is this you?” with a screenshot of your psychology profile showcasing your LGBTQ specialization.
I was teaching three back-to-back classes that day when my phone began buzzing. I quickly silenced it and returned to my lecture in my Human Sexuality course at Antioch University. It rang again, causing my students to erupt with laughter. After class, I scanned my text messages on my thirty-minute break. My phone had exploded. The mother of my newly assigned client had been texting to discuss a reschedule for the intake the following day, mentioning she was going to cancel her son’s optometry appointment and expressing confusion over why we were scheduled tomorrow instead of next week. As I continued to scroll, I saw my own face beaming back at me with a text saying: “Is this You?” Followed by: “We want to cancel our session, thanks.” This was an extreme change from the previous messages about an optometry appointment. I knew what she was saying. My profile showcases my expertise at the top. She didn’t want her kid exposed to someone like me—someone she assumed was queer. I was guilty by association, although her assumption about my identity is correct. Anger surged in me. I composed a message asking if she wanted to keep the following week or not, to which she replied, “Please cancel any future sessions.” I couldn’t believe it; someone canceled therapy for fear of me being associated with the queer community. I instantly felt ashamed, like I had done something wrong by being so upfront in my profile. I felt embarrassed for identifying in the community myself, and mortified that she thought I would potentially damage her child because of it. I took action, writing to the insurer and adding a note to the client’s chart as objectively as possible. I figured, “At least the next person can see what they are dealing with.” In the note, I asked the clinician to evaluate the child’s need for an affirming clinician in the future, thinking a possibility of the mother’s fear was that her child might be somewhere on that rainbow. Going into my next class, which was affirmative therapy, I used this as a “teachable moment” for the clinicians. I told them that while we are in this specialization for the right reasons, we will still face bigotry and lose clients because of it. I encouraged them to prepare themselves for a similar reaction at some point in their careers. My students looked at me, stoic, not sure what to say. As I moved on to the lesson, my heart felt heavy. But as I saw their enthusiastic faces for what I was teaching, I was reminded that the work we do is lifesaving. That, in itself, is a defiant act.
National LGBTQ Health Awareness week is March 16-20, 2026
Also by this author: “Over Advocacy”: Fighting for Trans Rights in the Face of Erasure
https://ftm.aamft.org/over-advocacy-fighting-for-trans-rights-in-the-face-of-erasure/
Gender-Affirming Care Guidelines
Transgender Resources for MFTs
Clinical Guidelines for LGBTQIA-Affirming Marriage and Family Therapy
https://www.aamft.org/AAMFT/Online_Education/LGBTQIA-Affirming_Marriage_and_Family_Therapy.aspx
